Saturday, March 17, 2012

Towards the Cross

Very quietly
I am recording services at my church.
I love the Soul Saturdays
during Lent
where we will have a Panakhyda
in late morning.
Years ago,
I was the only Anglophone
who would be there
and the service
would be
be in Slavonic.
This is how I learned the service.
When I had a Panakhyda
for my beloved childhood friend
almost 5 years ago
on his 20th anniversary
of his falling asleep
I had some of it sung in Slavonic.
This to me speaks the language
of grief, mourning and hope in Christ
like no other
and no other voice than my
spiritual father singing it.
I listened to the recording tonight
relieved that it turned out
and that I have so many of the people's voices
there singing their parts.
My next church with Orthoman
is Slavic in background
but mainly uses English and
find myself
while happily making
wedding plans
wondering how I will ever leave Ottawa
and what will I do with out the language of grief
and the Church that is the jewel of my heart,
where God formed me for
God willing
by the time I marry
for seven years.
Seven hard but very beautiful years.
Explaining to my deacon's wife
why I hope to get a decorator
as I will get married in my church
DV by my spiritual father
and future parish priest
I will be prayed for,
loved and rejoiced with;
marry, go on a short trip with Orthoman
and then suddenly
be in a whole new state of being
and I will have left Ottawa,
my city, my country and
most of all my church family.
This part I cannot comprehend
and find it really hard to live with
such great joy and hope and at the same time
such great grief.
Writing/blogging about it helps.
Also, knowing that
as my Orthoman's spiritual father said
I am not leaving my church family
but merely extending it
to include more.
And thank God that my future parish is kind
and I know ultimately that I will
God willing
find mercy, comfort and
be able to continue to strive
to work out my salvation.
But right now I can't comprehend it
and am so glad that I have this short time
to try to prepare best I can
rejoicing, grieving and praying.
I am so glad for technology and that I can listen
to my spiritual father sing
the Panakhyda in Slavonic and English.
Tomorrow is the Sunday of the Cross
and I am decorating our church Cross for one last time
with red roses and fragrant basil.